to his car, computer, Playstation, Blackberry, iPhone…*phew* to any thing that beeps, roars or transports him to unknown and exotic places, in his TV or computer screen. Not only that, but they are having an affair with another gadget they got ahold of, it´s so dramatic it’s almost like a Mexican soap opera. It seems that men are sometimes lost in the pursuit, not of happiness, but of perfecting their toy, sometimes even learning how to use it- insert surprised face. Some physically get lost inside a car’s engine bay, others seem to become one with their TV, while yet others seemed to have their BB surgically implanted to their hands. It’s true, it’s hard, and it’s something women should know, so let’s take a look at the different kinds of “husbands” out there.
Successful Lawyer by the day, computer geek after 8 PM
He drives a spanking new race-ready, high-revving, chick-attracting BMW, while he wears an expensive Italian tailored suit- with matching silk underwear-. He speaks like an English professor, dines like a king and walks like a prince. That’s a picture of him at lunch hour, fast forward to 8 PM, a few good hours after coming out of his 9-5 job: it’s a whole other picture. But first, let’s be honest and give a down to earth, realistic example: me.
Rewind back and let’s start on the right foot now. He drives a recently repainted and repaired, mom-ready, grandma-friendly, bird poop-attracting BMW, while he wears whatever crap looks decent and tidy enough to wear to college- with mismatched everyday underwear- and takes notes on his mac. He speaks in Spanglish, without the Chicano accent though, dines on a TV table- yes, there is room service- and walks with his pants way below his butt. That’s him before the last college class, but let’s fast forward to 8 PM, when the need for such formality recently punched out of the office. Flip flops, PJ pants- that is if he decided to cover up his boxers-, old almost torn-apart t-shirt, a guy screaming at the TV or computer screen, 2 bags of Doritos, a few soda cans and explosions all around the room. You would think it’s another person, but no sir, it’s exactly the same tightly-wound, business-only guy that sits right at the back of the room to take class notes in silence on his mac, and hurries back running to his car to avoid any unnecessary contact.
So, how did this tragedy occur? Did the planets line up? Did aliens invade? I’m afraid it’s the natural two-faced nature of any self-respecting computer nerd. It doesn’t matter if he is a hot shot lawyer, or a hot shot note-taker, computer geeks always degenerate into screaming, pumped up creatures that somehow believe they have become the incredibly muscular, masculine and brave character shown onscreen, mowing down baddies one by one. The funny thing is that they try to hide it, as if they have some kind of contagious disease that will kill everyone around them.
Q: “Hey did you read the review on Dead Space 2”
A: “What Space, what book is that”
Real thought: “Review? I just beat the game last night at 4 AM, loser!”
*Phone rings*
Q: “Hey what’s, what are you doing today? Were you busy, I want to…”
A: “I’ve got work to do tonight/wake up early tomorrow, etc”
Real thought: “I’m busy getting my 1000th trophy in Black Ops and did not want to pick up the damn phone, you moron!”
But some geeks are sneaky, they don’t say a thing, that is where reading their body language betrays them. There’s a geek-test, it’s 100% accurate in determining when you are dealing with a computer or videogame nerd.
· Sweating at the sight of a new game in public areas. Example: Intense sweating when holding FIFA in his hand.
· Dilated pupils when looking, talking about or being near a game they like. Example: wide-eyed look at the box of Metal Gear Solid.
· Folded arms when asked anything about a game by a non-nerd.
· Heavy breathing when asked about or talking about a game in front of non-nerds.
· Increased medical leaves, and mysterious “all-nighters” for assignments no one else seems to have heard of.
· Phones and messages are rarely answered after office hours.
· Intense and frenetic reading of newspapers in the morning.
· Social problems. Example: finds it hard to relate to most people, probably even his “normal” self.
Yes, geeks are chameleons. In the day they appear to be responsible students, accomplished professionals, employees of the month, you name it, but at night they all find themselves crying when their character is killed right before finishing a level…for the 100th time. Joey stops being “Joey” at 8 PM and becomes poncejose88.
The Car-tune zombie
This is by far the worst of the lot. He actually thinks cars are alive. Some of them even think their car is a girl and give it girls’ names and don’t hook up with her, I mean “it”, only because they might get caught in the act. Sad, but true.
Does your man smell like oil? Does he have rough-feeling hands? Is he always tired when answering his phone on Saturdays? Does he spend more than 3 hours in his garage beside someone with a girl’s name? If you said yes to any of them, there is a 75% chance that your man is a gear-head, who knows more about how an engine works, than what to get you for valentine’s. That is just only beginning, picture this guy at a normal conversation, it’s just hilarious. People around him may be talking about classic XX century literature, and he intervenes saying such and such car are an expression of the engineer’s desire to fly away, conveyed through aggressive styling and a loud engine, while absentmindedly smiling, thinking of his car. Or he sits at the back of the classroom, just to buy new car parts to make his ride “look like the one in Need for Speed”, without being caught. The worst guy is the one that is so in love with his car, that he pays no attention to anything being said to him, or read by him about different, pressing and important real world issues like his girl talking about the shoes she say last week at Nine West.
Apart from being bad speakers, sneaky aces and suffering from what can only be described as ADD, these guys are compulsive buyers. Car-tuners are like zombies: they crave more power, more style for their car, and will stop at nothing, even bankruptcy. They buy a $10000 piece of metal tube, just to make their car less than a second faster, and louder than your mom screaming at you for your bed. Money is no object since they refuse to eat until they have it, steal it from any innocent bystander, sell their bodies for profit –this wouldn’t surprise me- or get a 5th loan from the bank, because they have already spent so much on their ride that even buying bubble gum is a expensive luxury. Talk about responsible father figures…
They are also very avid and educated readers of prestigious monthly publications…about cars. They can quote to the last letter, what was said about the BMW X-something’s engine, in any given car magazine but forget the supermarket shopping list or what they just read on an email on which their career depends on. They know that a 3 inch exhaust tube is too big for their car, but are always covered in bad aids because they ignore that you can’t ask a woman about their age or weight. It is a simple fact to them. The fact that their car will arrive at 4:24 with three seconds PM on October 20th 2011 is easily remembered by them, but they have trouble remembering when their birthday is. Can anyone say brain damage?
Sometimes they can appear to be excellent debaters. Picture this scene, BMW owner against a Mercedes Benz owner. They own similar cars, bought at almost the same price, made in the same country, yet each one thinks the other’s car is pure rubbish. Insane? Not to these two guys, apparently convincing the other guy his ride is a piece of junk, is just as important to him as getting back home alive, and I’m serious. One would mistake them to two lawyers passionately defending their respective client before a judge, but no…its’ just two idiots secretly envious because they think the other guy really got a better car. Is it me or does this seem like an argument more appropriate for a school playground, between 2 ten year-old boys?
Mister Gadget and the texter
He’s the typical guy that always arrives at work or school with the newest cellphone, iPod with the most features or the latest Blackberry. He’s the guy that programs his iPhone to do anything he wants it to do- including, but not limited to calculating a woman’s menstrual cycle, sick-. If there’s an app for anything, he’ll find it and spend a fortune of $0.99 on it. He’s Mister Gadget, the guy that to be more teched-up would have to be rebuilt himself with old computer parts.
He doesn’t sound like too much of a deal breaker, right? Wrong! These guys are obnoxious as hell, for all the wrong reasons. To begin with they take more care of their iPod’s well being than their own personal hygiene. Gross! I can totally tell you’re all about to throw up, but don’t let your imagination run too free, because there’s still a few miles to go. They also suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder, for example when it comes to how protected from dust and scratches their BB is. Careful touching his gadget, he might rip out of your hands, taking two or three of your fingers with it. If your guy quite correctly thinks he is a professional singer, even if he was kicked out of the school’s choir, and he own an iPod, prepare for the most exciting creatures this world has ever seen: a human iPod shuffle, that is, a guy that remembers 10 lines of every song, sings them in no discernible order and shuts down or changes songs when hit in the stomach. Yes, it’s quite creepy but I’m sad to say the nightmare is still not over.
The worst kind of gadget guy is the one that goes shopping every day…to the app store! Beware of him, he might invite you to dinner, but don’t be so sure he’ll pay the check, because the probably maxed his card out buying oh-so-important apps to get the weather, turn on his TV, generally any kind of meaningless task you can possibly think of. To be sure, look at his iPhone/iPod/iPad or BB, and if the phone is protected with anything different to a skin or the case that came packaged with it, you might want to think about not going to a fancy place or taking some money with you, just in case.
You can’t pick a better time to be around him than when a new gadget is about to be released, that’s all he will talk about 24/7, pretty exciting, right? -ok, you’re allowed one free punch because of the sarcasm-. He’ll study and compare magazines, books, youtube videos, and so on and spend countless hours surfing the web just to determine that he wants a BB over an iPhone, because the BB has 1 MB more of memory than it, for example.
“Aren’t you forgetting about the texter?” Not at all, because the texter is just a Mister Gadget that has a BB problem: he is addicted to BBM. What makes him obnoxious? You’re talking to him, and he doesn’t answer-or he does it through his phone-because he is busy with his BB, as if someone with a gun told him to do so. He frequently stops talking when he “feels” something vibrated in his pants’ pocket. He is more anxious than a schoolboy counting the minutes left to the end of class, since every two minutes he’ll stop being there, figuratively speaking, while he checks on his phone. He sleeps with his phone on his bed, and the phone has a little bed covered with silk quilts and blankets, and its own mosquito netting. This guy is like a gadget man on steroids: scary, wild and prone to violence (when you try to grab their phone).
The (die hard) sports-fan
Lives and dies (and probably kills, too) for his team. Knows every player of every team, in every league of every sport. Disappears without a trace, during soccer, football, basketball, etc matches. Spends 500% of his income on sports clothing and spends 28-hour days in 10-day weeks playing FIFA. ‘Nuff said.
The Bottom Line
Are all of these guys deal breakers? No. If you take that approach none of us will ever qualify for even a first “half-a-date”, because every guy is married to some kind of gadget or hobby. Their commitment is so important to them, that they sometimes forget about other important things, such as eating, breathing, going to the toilet and listening to his girl talk about handbags. It doesn’t mean that he cares about other people any less, it’s just that for a few moments, other people seem to disappear, for him. The truth is that the car, BB, or other toy that a guy has, really came before any girl he meets. So, is he cheating on you with his car? No, he isn’t, he’s cheating on Eleanor, a 1964 Mustang, with you. That’s just how the nature of man is. Sad, but true.
